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Worked today and had a low fat ice-coffee for brunch. It's more calories than I've had in a fortnight. The rain meant that work was absolutely insane. People coming in and out and me run off my feet so I presume that I worked off a good portion of the ice-coffee.

Feel sick now though.

Bah. Milk.

Hope you're all well and enjoying your weekend!

How strange...

I had a really odd day today...as per usual, guilt ridden and frustrated when I was hungry and as per usual I ate and then promptly threw up. What's strange though is I felt no guilt today about what I was doing. Normally I'm guilt ridden and hiding in the bathroom for quite some time after throwing up, my head buried in my hands in desperation trying to tell myself that it's the last time I'll ever do it or staring into the mirror and watching the little red lines in my eyes scream my guilt back at me as I furiously scrub the scent of vomit from my toothbrush, mouth and hands.

But today?

Nothing.

No guilt. No remorse. Just an overwhelming sense of achievement.

I'm not sure whats worse. The guilt or the achievement.

I felt smug about it all day. And that terrified me. I'm scared because I can see what a slippery slope I'm falling down and I'm both enjoying and regretting the road down in (mostly) equal measure.

With only a few days until Christmas I've been engaging in (more than usual) strange little quirks I have to undertake before I see my extended family. Every second year we have Christmas Day with my dad's family and as per usual I'm doing the whole, starve, restrict, eat, purge, feel guilty, oh...gotta paint my toe nails and get my eye-brows waxed that I usually undertake.

It's just more intense this year. I fucking hate facebook. It places me under the obligation of adding my aunts,cousins, uncles and various other relations to my page. It means that they see my photos and make comments like "ooooh, Fatsinator, you've got a muffin top in that photo."...

knob-jockeys...

Bleh

I was so hungry at lunch I gave in and ate two pieces of dry bread with Tabasco sauce. But the problem was I sat there thinking about it for the next twenty minutes and had to go throw it up.

Since my breakdown earlier this year I've been living with my father, he's terribly easy to get along with, he's my hero actually, but the problem is that he shows love often with food, big portion sizes as well. And given how sick I was I stacked on 20 KG to my already chubby frame. Damn overeating/binging disorders. I was so sick at the time I barely remembered my name and if someone placed something in front of me and told me to eat it, I would.

So, today hasn't been great food wise, but when dad goes out soon to run some errands at least I can have a smoke. And yes, I'm an adult hiding it from my father, but, I ask you this, how different is it from hiding the eating disorder and weird habits etc like purging.

I'm proud of myself for resisting though.

Bleh

I had such strange dreams last night. I -actually- had a dream about food. A giant parade of food was dancing around me Hollywood musical style...

I've been trying really hard to ignore the hunger pains today. Drinking lots of water and black tea. I've taken some diet pills as well, but they don't seem to be touching the spot today.

I just have to keep reminding myself that nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

God I need a cigarette.

Good Day

400 Calories today.

12 Hour Shift at work

Christmas Shopping customers

6 Hours by myself being run off my feet to the point of near exhaustion.

Town Christmas Carnival happening right outside my door.

I think I did well exercise wise.

Initial Greetings

Hi. I'm going to call myself Fatsinator around these parts simply because I need the annonymoty that a new live journal account provides. Sounds shallow I know, but in truth it's because I have a paid LJ account and friends and family (obviously) know about the account and would be shocked if I admitted some/any of my life to them. I need to confess though.

I'm Australian, 24 years old and I'm at university. I work part time in a video store and after a mental break down earlier this year I moved home to live with my dad..

I've always had an unhealthy relationship with food. From a very young age I was told to not leave the table before I'd finished my plate and that in turn evolved into "I'll eat because I had a bad day at school" or "I'll eat because my boyfriend broke up with me". My weight in recient months has ballooned to about a hundred and fifteen kg. Shocking I know. But the other side of the coin is the binge eating and purging I engage in which turns into a guilt fest about the binge eating and purging and the vicious cycle continues. Intermingled with weeks of fasting and starving that leave me weak and dizzy.

I've been diagnosed as Bipolar type 2, rapid cycling for about six months, but I knew something was wrong up to two and a half, three years ago.

I'm someone that self harms.

I am someone who uses sarcasm and a bubbly personality to hide the inner insecurities that I suffer from.

I've realised in the last few months that I've scared away many of my friends, but in truth many of those were probably "fair weather friends" and the good ones have stuck around.

I've got an addictive personality and I'm not ashamed to admit it. The internet, tv, smoking, drinking, anything that I can engage in that makes me forget for a little while is just fine by me.

I've not had a serious relationship for about three years. My ex had an affair and it nearly destroyed me.

So, so much for the melodrama that is me, I promise they'll not all have that tone to them. I just wanted to let you know who I was.

Welcome!

Enjoy your stay

Fatty!

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